I’m wondering if I should full on just straight up GIVE Connie Mack the JasenComstock dot tumblr dot com slash endorsement for just being the perfect pick of a human from his state.

A younger Connie Mack IV explained two road rage incidents, an arrest at a Jacksonville bar and a bar fight with a Major League Baseball star the same way: He was minding his own business, sober and trouble found him.

I literally cannot think of a better way to describe most white males in Florida better. maybe if he wears a jacket with some “Jane Fonda Traitor Bitch” patches on it- but Connie is only 44, so he doesn’t know anything about that.

But honestly, this just sounds like any old week in North Florida for most dudes:

— Sometime around 1987 when Mack was in college, he was driving and stopped at a drawbridge with friends in Palm Beach County. One of his friends was screaming like comedian Howie Mandel, which apparently upset the driver next to them. When the man approached Mack’s car, Mack got out and the man jumped on him. The two wrestled, struck each other and when the drawbridge went back down, Mack got back in his car and drove off.

— Within the next year, Mack’s girlfriend was driving his car when a driver forced her off the road. Both cars stopped and Mack got out. The other driver tried to punch Mack, so Mack punched him. The driver went back to his car, grabbed a baseball bat and chased Mack around the car and smashed its windows.

— In 1989, Mack and two friends were at a Jacksonville nightclub and Mack had nothing to drink. A bouncer asked the three men to leave because one of Mack’s friends was violating the club’s no hats policy. Mack asked to speak to the manager and questioned why they had to leave. The manager didn’t have time to talk with him and asked an off-duty sheriff’s deputy to escort them out of the club. Mack never resisted, never cursed, yet was still arrested.

— In 1992, Mack used [Atlanta Outfielder Ron] Gant’s table to sign a credit card receipt while getting ready to leave Calico Jack’s. Gant shoved Mack twice. The second time, he was hurled toward a crowd, which pushed him back. As he was thrust forward toward Gant, Mack put his hands out to brace his fall and Gant got him in a headlock. He hit Gant’s genitals in an attempt to free himself, fearing he might be choked to death.

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